Its those souls that are lost
That Jesus finds first
Those that never knew him
And are feeling it the worst
No God, I'm not cracked out
Just tryna find my way
I'd like to pay my dues
And find a place to stay
I'm not lazy I'd love to work
And maybe be repaid
For the money
and kindness I've spent
Dissapointed in karma dismayed
On those who've said they loved me
But when doors are closing
And you said they would open
And I'm getting dial tones
And middle fingers
Instead of the kindness I showed them
I don't remember to turn my other cheek
And I'm not worried about the sake of my soul next week
Tomorrow isn't promised
But tonight isn't either
I've been shyted on chopped up meat cleaver
I've been lied to betrayed and left stranded
I've been falsely accused and uncomfortably repremanded
My cup been runnenth
And goodness and mercy was suppose to follow me all the days of my life
But I was punched in the face when I was suppose to be his wife
And hurt and dismayed I'm tired of the strays
Not sleeping with fleas but I see the bug bites by the day
I'm hurt
Not revengeful at the least
I'm just tired of being cold sleeping in my car on the streets
So no, don't ask me to donate or volunteer
The world can kiss my ass when the world has ignored my tears
And its coldest cuz its the ones that are suppose to love you most
And its coldest
Cuz its the ones
That are suppose
To love you
Most
the suicidal voices they provoke
The fucks it in my systems
And liquors in my cup
The ones who wish you well
Well I wish they shut the fuck up
I'm not Christian enough
To retape the broken pieces
I'm not strong enough
To relinquish in prose or reasons
To wait on God
When honestly
I'm just waiting to see him
So maybe if I take the leap
Ill find my way to freedom
To find that white light
He'll catch me tonight
If I can just be Christian enough
To sneak my way inside
Cuz tomorrow isn't promised
But neither is tonight.
Christian enough to follow blindly
Ill be Christian enough
With Jesus beside me.
Enough Christian
We cant understand each other because we're both listening.
Seems like your ego and my feelings get in the way of it.
Emotions run deep but your actions show deeper
and when I close my eyes into the sunrise you've fallen deeper
with closed lips pressed against my hips as the moon falls
waiting for us to finish patiently
I can't help but to need you inside of me
because inspite of me
you never seem to find a reason to lie to me
never evoked or soft spoked a violent me
you don't linger false hopes or annomacity
but your caress with my cheeks to your chest
is soooo fly to me
And a smiling straight face you can answer the "why me?"
Like butterflies pondering thoughts of kisses in the spring time
my cacoon is made of the finest silks in China
ugly prior to a metamorphises you see beauty in my final destination
I applaud Satan
for his multiple attempts to let me give in
to walking away from someone so destined to me that God promised
through his mouth
shall come to pass.
How long we last is nearly up to us.
For each measuring cup and spoon I've taken out like a cartoon
drawing sticks and figures
counting wishes and hiccups with 8 sips of warm water
like my mother said to do
I've tried to size you
up and down and each straight faced frown you've contained
rescued by fittering with inanimate objects that understand your frustrations
better than I do
wondering "why me?" too
Each moment I spend away from you
I feel further incapable
of loving that empty void
yes honey
my walls were dark and I forgot to prime before I paint
trying to swim us before I sink
what seems to be so simple to you and frustrating to me
and listening to both of us never-ending
saying the same things we've both heard since from the begining
I believe,
but I'm still exhaling while waiting
I will reframe from ever speaking your name in vain
and contain my thoughts, emotions over flowing devotions
from now on.
Your grunts and moans tells me you're a man of many words.
And every word you speak,
few and seldom possess thousands times the meaning to
Like when you simply say
I love you.
Take your panties off/how im given it up
Here's my roman's revenge: Knowing all the dedications.
I spit fire for reasons you can not comprehend
See I'm not jealous or envious but then again
It seems complicated
I'm elevated—to happiness
I'm not your magnet, to a fagot bitchassness
you're who again?
I don't have time for reasons
to synnocate your treasons
or rationate
every pretty perfect lie
for every pretty perfect try
you wound up
until you were caught
by your pretty perfect high
it seems like she had you by the balls
and you spread your legs and coughed
you fagot ass bitch
gave up your manhood
bent over did it both ways
and for the record lilmizzpoet dont have a problem wit no gays
except the ones that snitchen for richess
coppin feelins for forgiveness
nigga you cheated but you wasn't about your business
I get this
anamocity between me and her got you hot
but truth be told
you should both be fucking shot
I see how you given it up
yeah im straight
but you not raw enough
so its time to take your panties off
I see how you given it up
you mushy and gushy
warm and soft
think its time to take your panties off
I see how you given it up
you aint got time but got lies
if aint right then say its enough
I see how you given it up
your silence wise
but why try to hide
em take your panties off
its not a relationship that shyt was a castration
tryna remain your sis was a lil too frustrating
she got you on your knees
and you suck her dick
till she blows semen on your weave
the one you brought
that horse peice she call a ponytail
bobblehead lookin bitch style decoded like a holy grail
Does it hurt when you change your life
with no vasitration??
Deep in your ass to da back of your throat
dont seem to hate it...
She run your pockets and for her you'd run your mouth
But you were still fucking your ex now whats dat about???
The shyt you talking
showed your true colors
take off the pink drawers boo
im charging you twenty for your fake ass cuffing
forfit your hanes
might as well put your heels on
put your lipstick and wig wrong
cuz your thong still showin
I see how you given it up
yeah im straight
but you not raw enough
so its time to take your panties off
I see how you given it up
you mushy and gushy
warm and soft
think its time to take your panties off
I see how you given it up
you aint got time but got lies
if aint right then say its enough
I see how you given it up
your silence wise
but why try to hide
em take your panties off
Immunity to Pain
Walk a path in the darkness with Psalm 23 by your side
Hoping and praying things might end differently tonight
On top, instead of under the scrotum
thinking carefully of your words and how you choose to hold em'
But it doesn't seem likely that you entertain the thought too long
you hold on; to an immunity to pain.
I'd pay for that kind of injection
for every ounce of rejection or painful reflection
my ego chose to evade... To not ever be phased.
That love maybe present but Zaire's not quite there yet with needle in right hand
bible on the left
I walk swiftly in the shadow of death—I fear no evil
I hear no evil
I see no evil
I fear no evil
But still I fear being a slave to relentless heartache.
Like a swarm of flies to honey, I can't escape.
Reluctant to vulnerable reactions love won't let me contain.
Scars went away but on my heart remained stained.
Losing the ability to love without the immunity to disease
Never giving a F-U-C-K celibate on both knees. There was a time I love you
was more than a three letter expression.
But love is like HIV killing antibodies I can't resurrect them
killing antibodies that won't ever be replaced
and its dormant stage inside of me is inevitable to escape.
Does immunity do that? Or take me back before the insanity?
Black people have thick skin as it is... Searching for that gene I was told I'm born with
And life has been to cruel these past few years
that death has become something I've witness too often.
Yet not quite desensitized from viewing my coffin.
Nor resisting to hop in
I have a long list of pain, in vain-not worthy of my tears.
Truthfully...
There's nothing anyone else could do to me,
that I haven't done worst to myself.
So remaining unfelt in an attempt to stay away
Keep my heart at bay and quietly cry with the lights on,
immune system of a child didn't seem so wrong.
I say I love you and wonder if there's anything left to love you with?
I can find your love, you can find my love
but I wonder if you'll stay when you finally seek it
or would I spread my disease of a painful past?
Lacking the immunity to gracefully embrace
a world where a painful past can simply be erased?
Waiting for my immunity before the disease takes the world over completely.
Arian Disease
I sat in his arms with the base from "I'm Ready" pulsating through our veins
It was our convent under diamonds window shield sparkled rain
and each time he kissed me, the base rolled deeper
he stared at my soul but in minutes, I couldn't keep up
His Arian passion lit fire under my feet
Hit butterscotch lips melted the milky way between my knees
Our fingers interlaced in a much deeper place...
I studied the shawdows from the rain beautifully stained on his face
His intensity matched my complexity with an incredible momentous tune
his whispers tickeld my collarbone like the summer winds of June
And his fingers traced every story and every path never taken
but it was his eyes that let me completely penetrate him
I lay in silence reminisce on his stained shadowed face from when we sat in the rain
105.1 going through my speakers
My seat back I re framed from every single fantasy
he injected in me, his love
this Arian disease is nothing to get rid of
so I embrace every moment of every story of every path never taken
I hope a prisoner of this dream I'm never awaken.
Your chest is like a canvas made from the finest fibers and my face
makes a stain over your heart in its place
It seems like we couldn't be miles away
even when we're closest
Cuz when we're closest, you'll be miles away
and in the mean time I paint...
Lullabies of candy sips and lemon drops rain
Snicker doodles, butterfly whispers in sugar cane
Flavored blow pops and jolly rancher kisses
If I'm indecisive
Reluctant to embrace this,
I pray that I can hold on to my canvased memory.
Rotations and pulls and hots and colds
Defining Over thinking the meaning behind each hold
I couldn't be more receptible of something so edible
Yet you don't feed me those pipe dreams off a plastic spoon
instead you show me love
and what your capable to do
you took away my paint brush, killed all hopes and fantasies
so instead I'll paint...
Lullabies of candy sips and lemon drops rain
Snicker doodles, butterfly whispers in sugar cane
Flavored blow pops and jolly rancher kisses
If I'm indecisive
Reluctant to embrace this,
I pray that I can hold on to my canvased memory.
suicide note burned..
I love you all so much, but you would never understand. I love you so much but you would never feel it from where I am. You would say my feelings aren't justified, my actions unreasonable. You would say the things I aspire are feasible. You would take the weight off my shoulders by the tons if you could, and do the same for you- God damn, I would.
Tonight when the world is too much to bare and I whispered a prayer- he gave me an angel again. Sephia photograph under street lights with a kiss so warm hell might freeze over. I rolled over, and recycled my thoughts, my wants and became grateful. I love you all so much and you still don't understand exactly who I am. Ima take a second and clue you in. The streets are on fire tonight. Yes Lupe, death is on the tip of my tongue but danger is some where else deep within the depths of my mind.
Maybe its a sign?
A foreshadowing event of something that constantly feels relentless. But if any of this is going to mean more than just the bullshyt that I've dealt with then I've gotta play the cards I'm dealt and renigg every now and then. Struggling with thoughts of suicide cant compromise the faith that has been restored by promises he's given for his everlasting life
whispered and beaten into my heart.
whispered and beaten into my heart
for as a black child I've had the fear of God
whispered and beaten into my heart
and the fear of my mother
beaten into my ass
but the fear of myself has been a fear I just cant escape. Writing poem and facebook notes to compensate for the foolish actions I'm too coward to do. And in just about a month, I'll be so ready too.
And deep within the depths of my soul a troubled mind fights for everlasting control of the evils the devil lies but cries golden tears in a pathway to damnation. Silver strings and platinum things are shiny but not wonderful. I'm sad but still hopeful that my fingertips will heal their burns as the emotional scars linger forever more in my father's house. He'll cry out and accept me for my existence, appearance, resistance, and turbulence.
So I guess it doesn't make a damn if my name is your Listerine. A barren queen because what is dead can not give life and its alright because
I love you all so much and know you would never understand.
I love you so much but you would never feel it from where I am.
Instead, you feel your burdens, your strength
and I carry your tons along with my own.
The liar has been dethroned.
and suicide note burned.
